2014 Post-All Star Break Avatar Rankings

[The Ghost of Swo]

Ok, so predictably the avatar rankings are disappointing. I didn’t any avatars that have been up for too long, or that I didn’t think were worth discussing. There is one rule in these avatar rankings, until Kyle starts doing this for the league again, he is in last place. I requested that GMs post patriotic avatars that had boobs and pop culture references. Some succeeded, others willingly ignored the suggestion in search of avatar glory. Maybe people don’t get how important these rankings are, maybe we have exhausted the considerable resources of the internet (I think this is untrue, the internet is, not unlike the universe), amazing and ever-expanding. Whatever, the case may be this is by far the poorest performance in our league’s history, or since we starting documenting these paramount events. And we are off. Winners at the top.

Cubs


And I think we all knew when this was posted that Scott was going to win (I know big surprise, Swo picked the only avatar with a dude with a speedo in it to win). He defended his title with glory. Now I’m not positive who the smoking hottie on the left is, but I’m pretty sure from Left to RIght we are looking at Unknown Hottie (possibly Cindy Crawford), Mark Spitz, Tara Reid, and Jessica Simpson. Now I set a few parameters before this years avatar rankings period. I wanted three things. #1 ‘Murica, #2 Smoking Hotties, #3 Pop Culture Reference. He’s grading slightly lower on the pop culture reference scale, given no one in this picture is relevant anymore (and arguably none of them were ever relevant save the Gold Medalist). But that said, Scott killed it, there’s something for everyone (even the gays).

Red Sox


Its probably not fair that I allow Ty to participate in avatar rankings, since he knows me so well, he can pretty much finish in the top 5 of any avatar rankings (that said given only 10-12 people actually submit useful avatars top 5 isn’t that impressive). While Scott’s avatar is greater, Ty’s is really quite spectacular. I might grant him 1B ranking. Ron Swanson flashing his chest whilst wearing an american flag shirt. I for the life of me can’t place this scene and it might be a deleted scene, but its great.


Tigers


Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Those words have been emblazoned on the statue of Liberty since 1903. In my opinion, 111 years is enough. Let’s take this image and stamp it on that big tough harbor girl and blast Higher and Higher by Jackie Wilson 24/7.

Indians


Ok so at first I didn’t get this avatar. I’d taken a number of cursory looks at it when reading his posts or messaging with him, but not really figured it out. It looks like it’s just a gif of a nice family celebrating some baseball in Canada. I thought, maybe there’s some personal significance to this for our intrepid GM. Upon closer inspection though, this avatar is amazing. Right in front of the all american family (Canada’s a state and you can’t prove otherwise) are two young gentlemen. One gentlemen is doing his buddy a solid and polishing the gopher. There are a number of great things that this GIF brings about and many question I have. This occurred with two outs in the top of the 7, so logically the friend will reciprocate, (it’s not a gay thing, its about manner damnit all) either during the 7th inning stretch (kinda gives that term a different meaning doesn’t it) or he’ll finish him off during the bottom of the 7th. Now, fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your proclivities, we don’t get the money shot here, but that’s probably best for granny. A final note, I pray to the lord that that old lady is somehow related to these dudes and one of her bingo partners sees this.


Braves


So Ty asked me the significance of this GIF, and it occurred to me that it might not be apparent to everyone what is going on here. Frederick Freeman is ripping and tearing it like no one has before him. Ya that’s the 1B for the Braves doing his business on some mid 50s woman at a wedding. There’s definitely more to this story, but suffice it to say Freddie Freeman has swag for days. Also, I set parameters for the avatar ranking and then didn’t post an avatar that meets any of those criteria.

Orioles


Patrick obviously knows how to party. If this is actually how he spent his fourth of July I would like live vicariously through him for a while, as I spent my Fourth with my wife and her friends while my dog freaked out for 6 hours because of the fireworks. If it wasn’t America’s birthday, I would really hate the fourth of July.

Padres


White Kevin understand the nuances of comedy. A subtle turn of phrase or the inflection of an understated quip, these are the tools of the witty. That and images of people hurting themselves whilst doing things that are foolish. This is really simple, but I laugh 100% of the time.


Mets


Barney has long been flustered by the workings of the mythical avatar, but he finally posted one that works. Long flying a flag that he had in fact beaten anorexia, and kudos to that guy. But now Barney has a GIF for an avatar. Admittedly this is probably much funnier if you hadn’t already seen it a number of times, but it’s still pretty good. For those keeping score remember injuries to dumb people = comedy gold.

Royals


I’m not sure what is better, this sequence or the fact that in this same game Santana completely whiffed almost spun in a circle and then looked at Colon and approvingly nodded his head (couldn’t find this image). It also helps that his swing on the first pitch of the AB, Colon didn’t quite muster enough oomph, his helmet only slightly turned. This is a solid effort in terms of avatar, but not particularly amazing.


Angels


Again violence against humans will almost always make me laugh, so long as that violence isn’t serious(the exception to that is if the person deserved it). Solid effort, incorporating Star Wars usually earns praise from Stupid White Oval(yes, I occasionally go third person).


Dbacks


Tyler made a pretty bold statement saying he would win the avatar rankings without Boobs, ‘Murica, or Pop Culture. And he clearly overestimated his avatar prowess. It’s a fine avatar, a couple years ago we had a very animal centric avatar collection, and maybe in that years crop this would have fared better, but not this year. It’s moderately funny, might have been more funny if it had been a real baby (again, I’m going to be a great dad, right?). What’s odd about it though, is it seems like the dog was prompted by his owner in his actions. Now I’d love to teach my dog a wide array of tricks, but it seems retrieving things from the kitchen is more valuable than putting things in the kitchen (that’s what wives are for….apparently husband of the year is also on the table).

Reds


Pretty solid avatar, but nothing spectacular. I have nothing more to say on this matter.

[D Backs GM (Tyler)]

It's putting a baby into the over. A BABY! Also, once again little to no attention was paid to the fact that half the avatars you can't tell what is going on unless you enlarge it... Its the steroids of avatars. And I just want to be on the right side of history. Maybe I won't win these, but at lease I play clean damnit.

[Orioles GM (Patrick)]

Once again, I overestimate the hilarity of wordplay.

What I like best about the Colon avatar is we know exactly what happened before the at bat. Colon is messin around in the dugout, possibly farting in someone's general direction, when someone tells him he has to get is ass up there to hit. He grabs the closest bat available, a helmet lying on the ground, and the end result is our treat.

I would have bumped the Reds up toward the top. Hulk Hogan pretending to play a guitar, without much effort, and fireworks. That is 'Murica at its finest. The back story here has to be good too. No doubt, the work of a University of Michigan graduate in charge of content for whatever wrestling program was on at the time. Someone says "Hulk Hogan in his outfit pretending to be Mark Knopfler in front of fireworks" Michigan grad decides this is the best idea he/she's heard so far and let's do it. George Washington is in heaven telling his friends "dude, I'll take some responsibility for that slavery thing, but not this."

[Cubs GM (Scott B)]

[The Ghost of Swo]