Post by The Ghost of Swo on Apr 5, 2013 13:56:09 GMT -5
We’re back gentlemen. It’s everybody’s favorite time of year- Chin Music Power Rankings time. It’s been several months since our last installment, but as is tradition, we’re publishing our Opening Day rankings for your enjoyment and scrutiny.
This year, we were going to do videos for groupings of teams, then we decided to give every team a video that was somehow related to their team or whatever. This was a much more daunting task than what I had envisioned and partially explains why it took a bit longer than I wanted. But we got it done. Some make sense, some don't and some are funny, some aren't.
We are issuing a general warning and waiver of all rights to bitch about anything contained herein. If you feel like you will take anything we say here personally, which is not our intent, or feel like you might be offended by either the graphic nature of some of the items in this power rankings.
I cannot stress this enough, none of what follows is a personal indictment of any member of the league, its purely things that are funny to Ty and I. If you feel like you are being personally attacked by us, I assure you that’s not the case. Some of the videos and connections to the team required us to be a bit rough at times, and it’s just a way of connecting the video not an attack.
With all that said, if I get any PMs about how you are offended by this, after I warned you it might be considered offensive, if I see you in public, I’ll kick you in the testicles.
Ok now that I built it up, I’m sure no one will think it’s actually offensive.
30. Los Angeles Dodgers - It’s Not your Fault, It’s Not Your Fault
Under Nick’s stewardship, the Dodgers have a much brighter future today than they have in the past. That being said, he’ll have his work cut out for him, as the franchise was in terrible shape when he took over. The saving grace for these Dodgers is their massive payroll flexibility. If they’re able to spend wisely and leverage that financial might, they will undoubtedly be on the path to improvement.
29. Chicago White Sox - It’s Not Your Fault, we’ll get you some Pants
Like Alan tells Mr. Chow, it’s not your fault, I hate Godzilla too, and we’ll try to get you some pants. But I digress, the South Siders find themselves in full rebuild mode. Graham will need time, luck, and efficient use of capital to turn this squad into contenders in the foreseeable future. He does have some decent assets- Weaver, Scherzer, Brantly and Kubel, all of which should be more valuable to someone else. I’m very confident in his abilities and look forward to watching his progress this season.
28. Seattle Mariners - ‘Got a Stew Going’
That video says it all, the Mariners have quite the stew going. The Ms certainly aren’t competing this year or maybe even next year, but they will surely be a force to be reckoned with at some point. I said it in our last installment, and I’ll say it again: if you’re trying to facilitate a rebuild, look to Seattle for the blueprint. They’re not scaring anybody for the next year or two, but the AL West is far from dominant, and they’ve got a ton of quality prospects and contracts that will only become more appealing after this year. Keep up the good work, Mike.
27. Oakland Athletics – Goulet Out
Samardzija, Espinosa, Brendan Ryan and Luke Scott should carry the A’s to a resounding victory in facial hair excellence. And that my folks, is why he has been awarded the Robert Goulet Mustachied Man award. Unfortunately that’s only a playoff tie-breaker, so he’s got to secure a berth in the postseason before that will come into play. The AL West is pretty wide open, but I don’t know that they have the pieces to make a serious run with this roster.
P.S. We would have given the Mustachioed man award to someone with a bitching mustache like we talked about, but not enough entries were submitted…Although there is pictorial evidence of me looking like an ass. So maybe stayed tuned for that.
26. Houston Astros - Let My People Go
I’m not prone to hyperbole, but John fleeing the NL Central and out of the bondage that was competing against the three-headed pharaoh of the Brewers, Reds and Pirates is tantamount to Moses leading the Exodus (escaping a single-headed pharaoh for what it’s worth). To put in perspective how big a coup that was -the baseball thing, not the escaping from slavery via the parted Red Sea thing: we’re 5 teams into a reverse order power rankings, and 60% of the division has already been named. The Angels will soon make an appearance, as well. They still have a lot of work to do, but hopefully the Stros will reach the Promised Land in John’s lifetime.
25. San Francisco Giants – I award you no points
When Adkins burst onto the scene, the Giants were really bad- arguably the worst team in the league. They have made a lot of moves and acquired some interesting pieces, including V-Mart and Werth. His starting pitching is pretty good (mostly due to owning Verlander), and he would do well to trade off Boggs before Motte returns. His system is starting to round out and has a bunch of quality players. The rebuild is off to a great start, but for this year he’ll be near the bottom again (or top if you consider draft position).
24. Tampa Bay Rays – When things get bad, remember there are technically two things you can do.
The Rays were once the prize jewel of this league, but a inactivity significantly worsened the team(as did some sort short-sighted moves towards the end of Brett’s rein). Top to bottom the team still has some valuable assets, Lucroy, Phillips, Granderson, Morse, and Medlen. However, he is in a tough division looking up at perennial favorite Sox and the newly relevant Blue Jays, so he’ll be left fighting it out with the Yankees and Orioles for third and fourth place. They have a solid system with a handful of high upside players, but they will need to build that up and make some good FA acquisitions. The best bet for improvement with any low market teams is the proper use of its glut of tags.
23. Detroit Tigers – will do anything to compete
Over the course of his time here, Dale has neglected his minor league system in favor of trying to plug holes on his minor league roster to stay competitive. While that kept the Tigers in playoff contention throughout last summer, this may be the year that it catches up with him. He has a slew of undervalued talent on his minor league roster, but he doesn’t have enough to track down the vaunted Royals. I really like the depth of his pitching and while his starters carry some risk, they’re a necessary one. He has a solid bullpen with a lot of potential closers. Hopefully things break his way and some of those guys actually pitch well and get some saves.
22. Philadelphia Phillies – From Boys to Men, from Men to Gladiators, and from Gladiators to Swansons
With youngsters, Machado, Middlebrooks, Dirks, and Giavotella, the Phils are hoping to follow Swanson’s Pyramid of Greatness to the top of the NL East. He has a quality system, but there is a lot of risk involved. He lacks the depth required to compete this year, but hopefully he can build something going forward. He needs to heed the great Swanson’s important words on Buffets, whenever available choose quantity over quality. Bonus Image images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20...._Greatness.jpg
21. Atlanta Braves - It’s a Fire……Sale
The Fighting Braves decided last year to blow up their roster before the deadline and engage in a rigorous rebuild from the ground-up. I trade away as many of the assets I could so far, with returns varying from exceedingly great to mixed reviews (to put it nicely). Hopefully, I will be able to sell off the rest of my team, and my expiring contracts for controllable long term assets. I liked my draft, grabbing 12 prospects, I like the guys I have acquired in trades and I am hopeful to string together another quality draft this upcoming offseason (which will make it three in a row, for those of you still busting my balls for 2010). I have a long road ahead of me and not enough roster spots for all the prospects that I want, but hopefully I know what I am doing (even I don’t trust that).
20. Los Angeles Angels – Keep Our Composure
The Angels are a team that I usually underrate, and I may be doing so again now. They represent the only potential threat to the Rangers this year, and if Matt Kemp puts up MVP-type numbers again, don’t count them out. I really like the Molina acquisition (and contract) this offseason, even if he doesn’t repeat his breakout performance. They’ll need to catch a few breaks, but the Rangers aren’t going to be leaving anyone in the dust this year.
19. Miami Marlins – Lacking in offense, and true to form no one in Florida cares.
I really like this team, but they desperately need more arms. As it stands, they’re able to field a full contingent of pitchers, but that’s it. Bumgarner is a personal favorite- one of these years Al’s going to cave and trade him to me. Napoli’s contract is excellent, and I happen to be bullish on him in Fenway. Youk still has something left in the tank as well. Worst case scenario, the Fish have a lot of movable assets at the deadline. Swo bowing out of the divisional race this year opens the door for someone else to join the hunt. They’re unlikely to catch the Nats or Mets, but you never know.
18. Cleveland Indians – Let the Big Dog Eat
If I were running the Indians, I’d bring in Jeff Francouer, Evereth Cabrera, Brandon Crawford, and the rest of the offense and give them some hitting tips. This is an intriguing team. Previous GM Robin was a League Office Favorite and laid the ground work for a solid team. New guy Ryan hasn’t done a lot so far, but he has made a couple of shrewd trades to bolster this team’s depth. It’s an uphill battle chasing Black Kevin and the Royals down, but with Strasburg, Harper, Panda, Soler, Fernandez, and Bradley, he has the start of a quality team. We could definitely see this team much higher next year, and if things break right they could challenge for a playoff spot, although conservatively they will probably finish in the middle of the pack.
17. Texas Rangers – Everday Normal Team
No disrespect intended, as Jared is a good GM and the Rangers are just an everyday normal team that is blessed with being in the AL West (not great), but they only have to be better than the Mariners, A’s, Astros and Angels- not the most daunting of tasks. They ought to waltz their way to another AL West crown this year, and hope to catch lightning in a bottle to make a run. The teams behind them are rapidly improving, so if Jared wants to continue his dominance beyond this year, he’ll need to improve, as I don’t think this roster will win the division in 2 years. For the time being, though, don’t mess with Texas.
16. New York Yankees – Will work for Salary Cap Space
Despite their massive cap number, the Yankees have developed a habit of running over budget. They’re under now, and what remains is a solid, if unspectacular, ballclub. I believe they’ve been surpassed by the upstart Blue Jays, but anything can happen and the AL is mostly wide open. If Cespedes can avoid a sophomore slump and earn about half of his salary, the offense will keep them competitive, but they’ll need miraculous performances from their pitching staff to make any noise come playoff time. A stronger dedication to the minor league roster would suit the Yankees well as would some restraint in FA spending, however with his payroll and the talent already assembled he isn’t far off being competing. Luckily we seem to have a Gm willing to do the work and stay with the Yankees for the long haul, and continuity always benefits a team.
15. Baltimore Orioles – Lost a lot of good men out there
Ok so I wanted the Wedding Crashers montage of banging sluts and funny lies from early in the film, but I couldn’t find it, so I settled for this, which is still equally hilarious. The orioles lost an inordinate amount of good players to FA this year (and unruly fans), because of a lack of tags. Losing quality players like Kelly Johnson, Jeff Nieman, Jose Valverde (who doesn’t have a job right now, but should find a spot in someone’s bullpen, I’d think), and Frieri would hurt any club. However the O’s still have some premium talent, but lack the requisite depth to really scare anyone. They have a lot of personal favorites, but the roster is older and not quite talented enough to keep up with the Jays or Sox without a substantial amount of luck. Any of about half a dozen teams could conceivably sneak into the playoffs as the Wild Card- Orioles included- but I think they may be better served by selling off their older pieces to contenders while they still have decent value to hasten the re-tooling effort. We seem to have finally found stable ownership, and continuity will do this franchise a lot of good.
14. Chicago Cubs – Ditka
Being a Chicago guy, I presume he will love this video. Also this movie is drastically underrated, for a number of reasons. First off, Ditka. Second, Will Ferrell yelling at children. Third, Robert Duvall. Anyways, I tried to get a number of different clips for the Cubs, mostly Rookie of the Year videos, because of the Cubs connection, but youtube is not as extensive as it rightfully should be, like for example I can’t find the Bull Durham clip where he says “Don’t think it can only hurt the ballclub.” There a bunch others, but I digress the Cubbies have hit a bit of a rough patch, and while I’m sure he won’t blame it on 9/11, it certainly didn’t help. They’re not the most talented team, and the injury bug has already bitten, but the Cubbies should remain competitive as a result of their dedication and shrewd bench pickups. Unfortunately, they lost the relocation sweepstakes to the Astros, which would have been the quickest solution to their problem, but I have complete confidence that one of these year’s the North side will have a winner to celebrate. I’m betting Scott leads the Cubbies to the glory hole long before Theo does.
Bonus video because fuck it, it’s funny…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPin5LRBfZo.
13. Arizona Diamondbacks - We’re all counting on you
Someone needs to step up and challenge the Fighting Mike Trouts, and I’m counting on the Bdacks to do it. The Chinese Zodiac claims that 2013 is the year of the snake. The Chin Music Power Rakings think that that prediction is probably a year premature. Tyler has positioned his team very well for the future, but it seems to me that you’re a season and half a dozen role players from making a real splash. Fortunately for them, they’ll have cap room and graduated prospects heading into next year. Wil Myers and Wheeler project as franchise cornerstones, and Schoop should debut as a useful player at some point next year. There’s plenty of reason for optimism, and a poor showing by the Padres could conceivably spell a playoff berth this year.
12. Minnesota Twins – Escalated Quickly
Is this finally the Twins’ year? It seems like forever that we’ve been talking this team up, and they finally seem poised to make the Royals at least sweat a little bit. The Rankings expect significant improvement from Hosmer and continued excellence from their marquee names (CarGo, Greinke, King Felix, Price, Kimbrel, etc.). They also have resisted my feverish attempts to acquire Kimbrel, much like the not so drunk girl at the bar resists my ever so smooth pick up lines. (Bonus video…. . This team is very good and has a shot at playoff baseball, particularly if some timely callups arise . While the core is there, Mike would be wise to buy some role players in FA if he’s really interested in making a run. Their window is just opening at this point, but I’d hate to watch them waste a year due to a lack of bench players.
11. St. Louis Cardinals – You’re out of your element, Jason
The NL Central is really good. The Cards are destined to finish 4th in their own division, but most likely in the top half of the league overall. Some early injury woes, expose the lack of depth, but the DL stints should be short lived. Headley and Hart will be back soon enough, joining an outstanding lineup. I’m a believer in Gyorko, though with or without production from him, the offense will be fine. And we all know Big Game James is amazing, so there’s that (sarcasm definitely intend- living in Tampa I’ve had to tolerate the endless gushing about his greatness for the last 4 years). Jason needs to build up his pitching staff and bullpen, but now that Valverde is back with the Tigers, and Rondon seems destined to toil away in the minors this year, he should have a spare closer to deal if he wants to address other needs.
10. New York Mets – Cindarella Story
The Mets have high hopes as a result of a much improved roster. However, if the Mets were to make it out of the stacked National League, it truly would be a Cinderella story for the ages. Hell, the Mets almost pulled over the incredible and made the playoffs last year, especially If days lost to the DL were a category, with sheer grit and determination. Barney threw a tremendous amount of crap at the wall last year, and enough stuck to keep him in contention for the NL Wildcard deep into the summer. The Mets might not terrify you on paper, but they have a history of getting absolutely every ounce of production out of their players. If they can avoid the injury bug and Lincecum can right the ship and become even a 2nd or 3rd starter, they could keep the Nats sweating into September.
9. Colorado Rockies – Guy Love
Swo’s uncomfortable guy-love is not clouding the Rankings’ judgment here- Kyle and Special Assistant to the GM Carol have assembled a very good team. Even if Jackie Bradley doesn’t turn out to b the second coming of Ted Williams, the offense is good enough. They also sport the quantity of arms necessary to stay competitive in the pitching categories. I still think the Padres are the class of the division, but with a little luck, and possibly some Divine Intervention (if you don’t get this may I suggest you google search it or go to imdb.com), Kyle can make a return to Rocktober once again. He is coming off another quality draft and has a very respectable minor league. On top of all that, he is a quality outside shooter and has active hands, or at least he does in NBA Courtside for the n64.
8. Toronto Blue Jays – Blame Canada
Ok so I’m going to be honest here. Ty and I found this and had no clue what episode it was from. We are both pretty committed to watching the office and can quote it with impressive capabilities, but neither of us remembered this scene. So we included it because we think it’s hilarious and quintessential Dwight, however it fit nowhere in our rankings so we gave it to the Canadian team. Also, in case you aren’t a South Park fan that is a very unsubtle reference to the South Park Movie.
On to the actual analysis of his team, as if anyone actually reads these things to see what Ty or I think about the various teams. The obvious, his system is better than yours. The Jays have executed an impressively accelerated rebuild. I still think they’re a year away from really wreaking havoc on the rest of the AL, but they’re a perfect example of how diligence, scouting, and savvy deployment of available resources can very quickly turn a lost cause into a contender. For those teams in the bottom 10, consider that the Jays were in your company not too long ago and now they have one of (if not the) brightest futures in the league. Their system rivals, and possibly exceeds the Twin’s from 2 years ago, which I previously thought was impossible. There’s plenty to be excited about north of the border.
7. Pittsburgh Pirates – If you’re not first, you’re last
This probably works with every NL Central team. The Buccos clearly drew the short-straw landing in the NL Central, home to the perennial juggernaut Brewers and Reds (there’s really not a bad team in the division). This could be the year, though, as he boasts the undisputed best rotation in the league. The offense is respectable, but they’re going to need a 20/30/respectable slash line from Drew Stubbs and more warm bodies at the major league level if they’re going to sneak into the playoffs ahead of one of their NL Central counterparts. Larry always exceeds my expectations, so the Brewers and Reds should take notice.
6. San Diego Padres – Mike Trout is Fantasy Baseball……BOOM!
You can go ahead and replace Chaz Michael Michaels with Mike Trout and Figure Skating with Fantasy Baseball. The Padres rode him and the bevy of OF talent to a surprise division title. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Trout regresses to a mere superhuman level from last year’s legendary performance. He, Heyward and Jones make up what has to be among the best outfields ever assembled in our league. They’re going to need help, though. The rest of the offense is adequate, but the Pads are leaning pretty hard on their 3 young studs. They continue to boast a very solid pitching staff, and as such it should be a tight race for the NL West all season long, so stay tuned.
5. Washington Nationals – Inconceivable
A couple of years ago it was inconceivable that the Nationals would be in this position. Stuck with one of the worst rosters in recent memory when this league started, Cork has done an admirable job building a contender. The Nats have had a lot of success these past few years, and their perch atop the NL East is safe for now. That said, I think they were stronger last year- they absolutely need to bolster their rotation if they’re going to compete with the NL’s elite in a playoff series. Cork is confident, with good reason, but it would serve him well to recognize that the gap between his Nats and the Metropolitans has narrowed over the past 6 months or so.
4. Boston Red Sox - Closer
Ok so this is an incredibly awful pun and really corny, but I had to in honor of Ty finally getting legitmate closers. i’m cautiously optimistic about my Sox this year. We’ve learned from our mistakes, bit the bullet and added a ton of bullpen arms (closers, even). While the Sox don’t project near the top of the leaderboard in ERA or WHIP, we should have enough volume to get us to the dance. A catcher would be nice, but I’ll make my piece with handing the dish over to a career .455 hitter if I must.
3. Milwaukee Brewers – He’s Awesome
Another video Ty and I just think is funny, and just randomly picked this team to assign it to, it kinda fits. A perennial contender, the Brewer’s are poised yet again to make another run at a league title. A few preseason injuries (Freese and Eaton) have hampered their already insufficient depth, but the season hasn’t start in Milwaukee before September in years. They’ll have to add some pieces in the next month or two because the NL is tough and they could conceivably be looking at a legitimate struggle for the Wild Card if Cincinnati takes care of business and one of their other NL foes takes the proverbial ‘next step.’
2. Cincinnati Reds – Contending, Like a Boss
The Reds have kept pretty quiet this offseason, but that understandable considering he has run his team, Like a Boss. The offense is as good as anyone’s (look for a bounce back campaign from AGon), they’ve got decent depth and a solid pitching staff. If I was picking nits, their cap situation moving forward is a bit murky, but not every team can pull off the seemingly perpetual dominance of the last team on our list.
1. Kansas City Royals – He’s a big ugly American winning machine
Anyone who has ever talked to Black Kevin knows that all he does is wake up in the morning and then he proceeds to piss excellence all day. While it’s time for Kevin to stop admiring his bobblehead from last year’s World Series, he has re-tooled his roster to make a serious run at our league’s first 3peat. While he doesn’t have the best first 18 in the league, as is his M.O. Black Kevin has amassed an incredible quantity of players- pitchers especially- who will undoubtedly keep him at or near the top in the counting categories. Anything can happen come playoff time (which is a foregone conclusion at this point) but the Royals are incredibly well positioned as usual.
Bonus Video - 100 greatest movie insults.
This year, we were going to do videos for groupings of teams, then we decided to give every team a video that was somehow related to their team or whatever. This was a much more daunting task than what I had envisioned and partially explains why it took a bit longer than I wanted. But we got it done. Some make sense, some don't and some are funny, some aren't.
We are issuing a general warning and waiver of all rights to bitch about anything contained herein. If you feel like you will take anything we say here personally, which is not our intent, or feel like you might be offended by either the graphic nature of some of the items in this power rankings.
I cannot stress this enough, none of what follows is a personal indictment of any member of the league, its purely things that are funny to Ty and I. If you feel like you are being personally attacked by us, I assure you that’s not the case. Some of the videos and connections to the team required us to be a bit rough at times, and it’s just a way of connecting the video not an attack.
With all that said, if I get any PMs about how you are offended by this, after I warned you it might be considered offensive, if I see you in public, I’ll kick you in the testicles.
Ok now that I built it up, I’m sure no one will think it’s actually offensive.
30. Los Angeles Dodgers - It’s Not your Fault, It’s Not Your Fault
Under Nick’s stewardship, the Dodgers have a much brighter future today than they have in the past. That being said, he’ll have his work cut out for him, as the franchise was in terrible shape when he took over. The saving grace for these Dodgers is their massive payroll flexibility. If they’re able to spend wisely and leverage that financial might, they will undoubtedly be on the path to improvement.
29. Chicago White Sox - It’s Not Your Fault, we’ll get you some Pants
Like Alan tells Mr. Chow, it’s not your fault, I hate Godzilla too, and we’ll try to get you some pants. But I digress, the South Siders find themselves in full rebuild mode. Graham will need time, luck, and efficient use of capital to turn this squad into contenders in the foreseeable future. He does have some decent assets- Weaver, Scherzer, Brantly and Kubel, all of which should be more valuable to someone else. I’m very confident in his abilities and look forward to watching his progress this season.
28. Seattle Mariners - ‘Got a Stew Going’
That video says it all, the Mariners have quite the stew going. The Ms certainly aren’t competing this year or maybe even next year, but they will surely be a force to be reckoned with at some point. I said it in our last installment, and I’ll say it again: if you’re trying to facilitate a rebuild, look to Seattle for the blueprint. They’re not scaring anybody for the next year or two, but the AL West is far from dominant, and they’ve got a ton of quality prospects and contracts that will only become more appealing after this year. Keep up the good work, Mike.
27. Oakland Athletics – Goulet Out
Samardzija, Espinosa, Brendan Ryan and Luke Scott should carry the A’s to a resounding victory in facial hair excellence. And that my folks, is why he has been awarded the Robert Goulet Mustachied Man award. Unfortunately that’s only a playoff tie-breaker, so he’s got to secure a berth in the postseason before that will come into play. The AL West is pretty wide open, but I don’t know that they have the pieces to make a serious run with this roster.
P.S. We would have given the Mustachioed man award to someone with a bitching mustache like we talked about, but not enough entries were submitted…Although there is pictorial evidence of me looking like an ass. So maybe stayed tuned for that.
26. Houston Astros - Let My People Go
I’m not prone to hyperbole, but John fleeing the NL Central and out of the bondage that was competing against the three-headed pharaoh of the Brewers, Reds and Pirates is tantamount to Moses leading the Exodus (escaping a single-headed pharaoh for what it’s worth). To put in perspective how big a coup that was -the baseball thing, not the escaping from slavery via the parted Red Sea thing: we’re 5 teams into a reverse order power rankings, and 60% of the division has already been named. The Angels will soon make an appearance, as well. They still have a lot of work to do, but hopefully the Stros will reach the Promised Land in John’s lifetime.
25. San Francisco Giants – I award you no points
When Adkins burst onto the scene, the Giants were really bad- arguably the worst team in the league. They have made a lot of moves and acquired some interesting pieces, including V-Mart and Werth. His starting pitching is pretty good (mostly due to owning Verlander), and he would do well to trade off Boggs before Motte returns. His system is starting to round out and has a bunch of quality players. The rebuild is off to a great start, but for this year he’ll be near the bottom again (or top if you consider draft position).
24. Tampa Bay Rays – When things get bad, remember there are technically two things you can do.
The Rays were once the prize jewel of this league, but a inactivity significantly worsened the team(as did some sort short-sighted moves towards the end of Brett’s rein). Top to bottom the team still has some valuable assets, Lucroy, Phillips, Granderson, Morse, and Medlen. However, he is in a tough division looking up at perennial favorite Sox and the newly relevant Blue Jays, so he’ll be left fighting it out with the Yankees and Orioles for third and fourth place. They have a solid system with a handful of high upside players, but they will need to build that up and make some good FA acquisitions. The best bet for improvement with any low market teams is the proper use of its glut of tags.
23. Detroit Tigers – will do anything to compete
Over the course of his time here, Dale has neglected his minor league system in favor of trying to plug holes on his minor league roster to stay competitive. While that kept the Tigers in playoff contention throughout last summer, this may be the year that it catches up with him. He has a slew of undervalued talent on his minor league roster, but he doesn’t have enough to track down the vaunted Royals. I really like the depth of his pitching and while his starters carry some risk, they’re a necessary one. He has a solid bullpen with a lot of potential closers. Hopefully things break his way and some of those guys actually pitch well and get some saves.
22. Philadelphia Phillies – From Boys to Men, from Men to Gladiators, and from Gladiators to Swansons
With youngsters, Machado, Middlebrooks, Dirks, and Giavotella, the Phils are hoping to follow Swanson’s Pyramid of Greatness to the top of the NL East. He has a quality system, but there is a lot of risk involved. He lacks the depth required to compete this year, but hopefully he can build something going forward. He needs to heed the great Swanson’s important words on Buffets, whenever available choose quantity over quality. Bonus Image images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20...._Greatness.jpg
21. Atlanta Braves - It’s a Fire……Sale
The Fighting Braves decided last year to blow up their roster before the deadline and engage in a rigorous rebuild from the ground-up. I trade away as many of the assets I could so far, with returns varying from exceedingly great to mixed reviews (to put it nicely). Hopefully, I will be able to sell off the rest of my team, and my expiring contracts for controllable long term assets. I liked my draft, grabbing 12 prospects, I like the guys I have acquired in trades and I am hopeful to string together another quality draft this upcoming offseason (which will make it three in a row, for those of you still busting my balls for 2010). I have a long road ahead of me and not enough roster spots for all the prospects that I want, but hopefully I know what I am doing (even I don’t trust that).
20. Los Angeles Angels – Keep Our Composure
The Angels are a team that I usually underrate, and I may be doing so again now. They represent the only potential threat to the Rangers this year, and if Matt Kemp puts up MVP-type numbers again, don’t count them out. I really like the Molina acquisition (and contract) this offseason, even if he doesn’t repeat his breakout performance. They’ll need to catch a few breaks, but the Rangers aren’t going to be leaving anyone in the dust this year.
19. Miami Marlins – Lacking in offense, and true to form no one in Florida cares.
I really like this team, but they desperately need more arms. As it stands, they’re able to field a full contingent of pitchers, but that’s it. Bumgarner is a personal favorite- one of these years Al’s going to cave and trade him to me. Napoli’s contract is excellent, and I happen to be bullish on him in Fenway. Youk still has something left in the tank as well. Worst case scenario, the Fish have a lot of movable assets at the deadline. Swo bowing out of the divisional race this year opens the door for someone else to join the hunt. They’re unlikely to catch the Nats or Mets, but you never know.
18. Cleveland Indians – Let the Big Dog Eat
If I were running the Indians, I’d bring in Jeff Francouer, Evereth Cabrera, Brandon Crawford, and the rest of the offense and give them some hitting tips. This is an intriguing team. Previous GM Robin was a League Office Favorite and laid the ground work for a solid team. New guy Ryan hasn’t done a lot so far, but he has made a couple of shrewd trades to bolster this team’s depth. It’s an uphill battle chasing Black Kevin and the Royals down, but with Strasburg, Harper, Panda, Soler, Fernandez, and Bradley, he has the start of a quality team. We could definitely see this team much higher next year, and if things break right they could challenge for a playoff spot, although conservatively they will probably finish in the middle of the pack.
17. Texas Rangers – Everday Normal Team
No disrespect intended, as Jared is a good GM and the Rangers are just an everyday normal team that is blessed with being in the AL West (not great), but they only have to be better than the Mariners, A’s, Astros and Angels- not the most daunting of tasks. They ought to waltz their way to another AL West crown this year, and hope to catch lightning in a bottle to make a run. The teams behind them are rapidly improving, so if Jared wants to continue his dominance beyond this year, he’ll need to improve, as I don’t think this roster will win the division in 2 years. For the time being, though, don’t mess with Texas.
16. New York Yankees – Will work for Salary Cap Space
Despite their massive cap number, the Yankees have developed a habit of running over budget. They’re under now, and what remains is a solid, if unspectacular, ballclub. I believe they’ve been surpassed by the upstart Blue Jays, but anything can happen and the AL is mostly wide open. If Cespedes can avoid a sophomore slump and earn about half of his salary, the offense will keep them competitive, but they’ll need miraculous performances from their pitching staff to make any noise come playoff time. A stronger dedication to the minor league roster would suit the Yankees well as would some restraint in FA spending, however with his payroll and the talent already assembled he isn’t far off being competing. Luckily we seem to have a Gm willing to do the work and stay with the Yankees for the long haul, and continuity always benefits a team.
15. Baltimore Orioles – Lost a lot of good men out there
Ok so I wanted the Wedding Crashers montage of banging sluts and funny lies from early in the film, but I couldn’t find it, so I settled for this, which is still equally hilarious. The orioles lost an inordinate amount of good players to FA this year (and unruly fans), because of a lack of tags. Losing quality players like Kelly Johnson, Jeff Nieman, Jose Valverde (who doesn’t have a job right now, but should find a spot in someone’s bullpen, I’d think), and Frieri would hurt any club. However the O’s still have some premium talent, but lack the requisite depth to really scare anyone. They have a lot of personal favorites, but the roster is older and not quite talented enough to keep up with the Jays or Sox without a substantial amount of luck. Any of about half a dozen teams could conceivably sneak into the playoffs as the Wild Card- Orioles included- but I think they may be better served by selling off their older pieces to contenders while they still have decent value to hasten the re-tooling effort. We seem to have finally found stable ownership, and continuity will do this franchise a lot of good.
14. Chicago Cubs – Ditka
Being a Chicago guy, I presume he will love this video. Also this movie is drastically underrated, for a number of reasons. First off, Ditka. Second, Will Ferrell yelling at children. Third, Robert Duvall. Anyways, I tried to get a number of different clips for the Cubs, mostly Rookie of the Year videos, because of the Cubs connection, but youtube is not as extensive as it rightfully should be, like for example I can’t find the Bull Durham clip where he says “Don’t think it can only hurt the ballclub.” There a bunch others, but I digress the Cubbies have hit a bit of a rough patch, and while I’m sure he won’t blame it on 9/11, it certainly didn’t help. They’re not the most talented team, and the injury bug has already bitten, but the Cubbies should remain competitive as a result of their dedication and shrewd bench pickups. Unfortunately, they lost the relocation sweepstakes to the Astros, which would have been the quickest solution to their problem, but I have complete confidence that one of these year’s the North side will have a winner to celebrate. I’m betting Scott leads the Cubbies to the glory hole long before Theo does.
Bonus video because fuck it, it’s funny…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPin5LRBfZo.
13. Arizona Diamondbacks - We’re all counting on you
Someone needs to step up and challenge the Fighting Mike Trouts, and I’m counting on the Bdacks to do it. The Chinese Zodiac claims that 2013 is the year of the snake. The Chin Music Power Rakings think that that prediction is probably a year premature. Tyler has positioned his team very well for the future, but it seems to me that you’re a season and half a dozen role players from making a real splash. Fortunately for them, they’ll have cap room and graduated prospects heading into next year. Wil Myers and Wheeler project as franchise cornerstones, and Schoop should debut as a useful player at some point next year. There’s plenty of reason for optimism, and a poor showing by the Padres could conceivably spell a playoff berth this year.
12. Minnesota Twins – Escalated Quickly
Is this finally the Twins’ year? It seems like forever that we’ve been talking this team up, and they finally seem poised to make the Royals at least sweat a little bit. The Rankings expect significant improvement from Hosmer and continued excellence from their marquee names (CarGo, Greinke, King Felix, Price, Kimbrel, etc.). They also have resisted my feverish attempts to acquire Kimbrel, much like the not so drunk girl at the bar resists my ever so smooth pick up lines. (Bonus video…. . This team is very good and has a shot at playoff baseball, particularly if some timely callups arise . While the core is there, Mike would be wise to buy some role players in FA if he’s really interested in making a run. Their window is just opening at this point, but I’d hate to watch them waste a year due to a lack of bench players.
11. St. Louis Cardinals – You’re out of your element, Jason
The NL Central is really good. The Cards are destined to finish 4th in their own division, but most likely in the top half of the league overall. Some early injury woes, expose the lack of depth, but the DL stints should be short lived. Headley and Hart will be back soon enough, joining an outstanding lineup. I’m a believer in Gyorko, though with or without production from him, the offense will be fine. And we all know Big Game James is amazing, so there’s that (sarcasm definitely intend- living in Tampa I’ve had to tolerate the endless gushing about his greatness for the last 4 years). Jason needs to build up his pitching staff and bullpen, but now that Valverde is back with the Tigers, and Rondon seems destined to toil away in the minors this year, he should have a spare closer to deal if he wants to address other needs.
10. New York Mets – Cindarella Story
The Mets have high hopes as a result of a much improved roster. However, if the Mets were to make it out of the stacked National League, it truly would be a Cinderella story for the ages. Hell, the Mets almost pulled over the incredible and made the playoffs last year, especially If days lost to the DL were a category, with sheer grit and determination. Barney threw a tremendous amount of crap at the wall last year, and enough stuck to keep him in contention for the NL Wildcard deep into the summer. The Mets might not terrify you on paper, but they have a history of getting absolutely every ounce of production out of their players. If they can avoid the injury bug and Lincecum can right the ship and become even a 2nd or 3rd starter, they could keep the Nats sweating into September.
9. Colorado Rockies – Guy Love
Swo’s uncomfortable guy-love is not clouding the Rankings’ judgment here- Kyle and Special Assistant to the GM Carol have assembled a very good team. Even if Jackie Bradley doesn’t turn out to b the second coming of Ted Williams, the offense is good enough. They also sport the quantity of arms necessary to stay competitive in the pitching categories. I still think the Padres are the class of the division, but with a little luck, and possibly some Divine Intervention (if you don’t get this may I suggest you google search it or go to imdb.com), Kyle can make a return to Rocktober once again. He is coming off another quality draft and has a very respectable minor league. On top of all that, he is a quality outside shooter and has active hands, or at least he does in NBA Courtside for the n64.
8. Toronto Blue Jays – Blame Canada
Ok so I’m going to be honest here. Ty and I found this and had no clue what episode it was from. We are both pretty committed to watching the office and can quote it with impressive capabilities, but neither of us remembered this scene. So we included it because we think it’s hilarious and quintessential Dwight, however it fit nowhere in our rankings so we gave it to the Canadian team. Also, in case you aren’t a South Park fan that is a very unsubtle reference to the South Park Movie.
On to the actual analysis of his team, as if anyone actually reads these things to see what Ty or I think about the various teams. The obvious, his system is better than yours. The Jays have executed an impressively accelerated rebuild. I still think they’re a year away from really wreaking havoc on the rest of the AL, but they’re a perfect example of how diligence, scouting, and savvy deployment of available resources can very quickly turn a lost cause into a contender. For those teams in the bottom 10, consider that the Jays were in your company not too long ago and now they have one of (if not the) brightest futures in the league. Their system rivals, and possibly exceeds the Twin’s from 2 years ago, which I previously thought was impossible. There’s plenty to be excited about north of the border.
7. Pittsburgh Pirates – If you’re not first, you’re last
This probably works with every NL Central team. The Buccos clearly drew the short-straw landing in the NL Central, home to the perennial juggernaut Brewers and Reds (there’s really not a bad team in the division). This could be the year, though, as he boasts the undisputed best rotation in the league. The offense is respectable, but they’re going to need a 20/30/respectable slash line from Drew Stubbs and more warm bodies at the major league level if they’re going to sneak into the playoffs ahead of one of their NL Central counterparts. Larry always exceeds my expectations, so the Brewers and Reds should take notice.
6. San Diego Padres – Mike Trout is Fantasy Baseball……BOOM!
You can go ahead and replace Chaz Michael Michaels with Mike Trout and Figure Skating with Fantasy Baseball. The Padres rode him and the bevy of OF talent to a surprise division title. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Trout regresses to a mere superhuman level from last year’s legendary performance. He, Heyward and Jones make up what has to be among the best outfields ever assembled in our league. They’re going to need help, though. The rest of the offense is adequate, but the Pads are leaning pretty hard on their 3 young studs. They continue to boast a very solid pitching staff, and as such it should be a tight race for the NL West all season long, so stay tuned.
5. Washington Nationals – Inconceivable
A couple of years ago it was inconceivable that the Nationals would be in this position. Stuck with one of the worst rosters in recent memory when this league started, Cork has done an admirable job building a contender. The Nats have had a lot of success these past few years, and their perch atop the NL East is safe for now. That said, I think they were stronger last year- they absolutely need to bolster their rotation if they’re going to compete with the NL’s elite in a playoff series. Cork is confident, with good reason, but it would serve him well to recognize that the gap between his Nats and the Metropolitans has narrowed over the past 6 months or so.
4. Boston Red Sox - Closer
Ok so this is an incredibly awful pun and really corny, but I had to in honor of Ty finally getting legitmate closers. i’m cautiously optimistic about my Sox this year. We’ve learned from our mistakes, bit the bullet and added a ton of bullpen arms (closers, even). While the Sox don’t project near the top of the leaderboard in ERA or WHIP, we should have enough volume to get us to the dance. A catcher would be nice, but I’ll make my piece with handing the dish over to a career .455 hitter if I must.
3. Milwaukee Brewers – He’s Awesome
Another video Ty and I just think is funny, and just randomly picked this team to assign it to, it kinda fits. A perennial contender, the Brewer’s are poised yet again to make another run at a league title. A few preseason injuries (Freese and Eaton) have hampered their already insufficient depth, but the season hasn’t start in Milwaukee before September in years. They’ll have to add some pieces in the next month or two because the NL is tough and they could conceivably be looking at a legitimate struggle for the Wild Card if Cincinnati takes care of business and one of their other NL foes takes the proverbial ‘next step.’
2. Cincinnati Reds – Contending, Like a Boss
The Reds have kept pretty quiet this offseason, but that understandable considering he has run his team, Like a Boss. The offense is as good as anyone’s (look for a bounce back campaign from AGon), they’ve got decent depth and a solid pitching staff. If I was picking nits, their cap situation moving forward is a bit murky, but not every team can pull off the seemingly perpetual dominance of the last team on our list.
1. Kansas City Royals – He’s a big ugly American winning machine
Anyone who has ever talked to Black Kevin knows that all he does is wake up in the morning and then he proceeds to piss excellence all day. While it’s time for Kevin to stop admiring his bobblehead from last year’s World Series, he has re-tooled his roster to make a serious run at our league’s first 3peat. While he doesn’t have the best first 18 in the league, as is his M.O. Black Kevin has amassed an incredible quantity of players- pitchers especially- who will undoubtedly keep him at or near the top in the counting categories. Anything can happen come playoff time (which is a foregone conclusion at this point) but the Royals are incredibly well positioned as usual.
Bonus Video - 100 greatest movie insults.
